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[01 Feb 2008|12:46pm] |
this has to stop.
everyday and night I sit on the floor or in the shower praying and hoping that one day I can stop.
Stop thinking about my weight, stop thinking about the food and fat sitting in my stomach, stop weighing myself every hour, stop looking in the mirror to see how many bones I see and feel, stop letting a pound determine how my day will go, stop trying to be perfect.
I'm too ashamed and disgusted of myself.
I ate a little today and I completely freaked out. I went to try to throw up and only a little came out but I've been purging so much these past few days that I was in pain. I stopped myself and tried to calm down but I started to pace around my apartment and jumping/running around to burn the calories away. I was freaking out and so i ran back to the bathroom to purge again. Of course not much came up and once again, I was trying to calm myself down and took a shower instead. While taking a shower I was just squatting down in the tub, praying to whoever to make me stop, I was just sitting there asking myself why why why? Why me? Why am I like this?
Why can't I stop? Why can't I look in the mirror and believe that I am beautiful just the way I am?
Why do I constantly have to be sad and to constantly hurt myself?
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[17 Jan 2008|05:45pm] |
So I'm weighing around 116.5-117 today! I had to break my previous fast around New Years Eve because I knew I'd be drinking a lot and I didn't want to do it on an empty stomach so I had a few fruits and then some cookies my friend baked for me. Surprisingly, after New Years Eve, when I started to eat, I lost more weight! All I ate was mostly salads and fruits and smaller proportions (since my stomach shrunk) annnd I've been going to the bathroom a lot more because of the vegetables and fruits.
But now of course, I just started another fast- day two as a matter of fact. I wasn't going to stop at 118 pounds! School is starting next week and I definitely want to reach my goal of 113 lbs before then...just to be safe. I'm just so scared that I'd get back to my bad eating habits and purging once school starts from all the stress and whatnot.
Also, I've done so many fasts that it's pretty easy for me to start them! Just three more days! I can do this!
( motivation! )
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[27 Dec 2007|11:01pm] |
So today is the first official and successful (so far) day of my fast! I forgot how hard the first day could be. I'm basically at the point where you're torn between wanting to eat so badly and not wanting to eat at all and you want to urge to eat to go away. I'm going crazy but I keep telling myself that if I do let myself eat, I would have thrown all my effort and happiness away just to eat and end up regretting it or throwing it up and being pathetic. Besides, it's too late at night to be eating, which would have made things even worse!
it really doesn't help either the fact that my internet is extra slow and works on and off. Once my roommate comes back from New York, we really have to set up a steady wireless internet connection. I need the internet to keep me motivated and strong, something to occupy myself with!
I weighed myself today after the holidays and I gained 1.5 pounds! =[ Whenever I freak out, my friends would just roll their eyes and get pissed of at me and I wish I didn't care, but I do- Every pound makes a difference! That one pound could either push you over to the fat side, average side or thin side. That one pound could make your jeans tighter on you or looser on you. That one pound could be the pound that makes your love handles grow or disappear! Hopefully by tomorrow morning I'll be back down to 123 and by the end of tomorrow, maybe 122.5? *crosses fingers*
It really sucks that my internet is extremely slow tonight...inspirational pictures will have to wait until tomorrow...or whenever I get access to a solid internet connection. Until then, I will exercise some more until I'm tired. Good luck to everyone!
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[26 Dec 2007|11:47pm] |
I don't understand why I can never be happy or satisfied with my weight. I've lost 20+ pounds and yet I'm not happy still. There used to be a time where being at least 125 was my goal but here I am, 123 lbs and I still see myself as one fat fuck. I've reached my lowest weight at 118 during the summer and man how I wish I could be that low again. I want to be 115...at least 115! I just want to be dainty, small and rigid. I just want a solid shape...no curves or anything. Just sharp edges and straight sides from any angle.
My friends tell me that I'm so thin or skinny now and that I've lost a lot of weight...but really, I'm average. I'm at a normal weight and it's frustrating because I've done nothing but damage to my body and I'm only 123 lbs? I should be 115 or 110!
I came back home for christmas and I've done nothing but jump rope and exercised a whole lot...
How much more damage do I have to do, to be happy with myself?
( evidently, a whole lot )
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[18 Dec 2007|09:27pm] |
my roommate went back to New York for the break so I have the whole place to myself! Now is the time where I can definitely get back in control of myself! I posted polaroids of my fat on the fridge to motivate me and to stop me if I ever slip.
( thinspo )
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[11 Dec 2007|01:08pm] |
oh shit it's been a really long time since I've posted and sorry about that whole idea about writing letters to each other- i really didn't have the time or money or stamps and envelopes! It's come to the point where I'm the typical poor, starving artist. No problem with being a starving artist but it's just the poor part that sucks.
I've been staying around a solid 123 since my last entry but because of finals week and not sleeping at all, I've went up to to about 125!!! I am so upset about it and I have to get back down! Break starts after tomorrow so I'm starting to fast today. I want to get down to at least 115 during the break!! Anyone is welcome to join me!
anyway, onto THINSPIRATIONS!! I've collected quiet a few images so this should be good...
( _______________ )
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[16 Sep 2007|11:29pm] |
Sorry for not posting in such a long time. I have been so busy and so depressed lately. I haven't lost any weight. I keep binging (on healthy foods like raw veggies) and throwing it all up again. It's sick. Good news (in a way though) is that I've maintained being 124. It's weird though because even though I've lost a lot of weight, I still feel fat and that my body hasn't changed at all.
I'm so upset all the time and I don't know why. Something is bothering me but I don't know what. It's so displeasing. I find myself walking around my house not knowing what I'm doing. Sometimes I would walk into the kitchen and back out again because I feel like eating but I don't know what to eat. So I'll eat a little bit of this and that but it's not satisfying whatever I'm craving for. Everything is tasteless. Before I know it, I ate so much and my stomach's bulging out and within seconds I'm hovering over the toilet with my finger down my throat.
I'm so confused. I don't know what the hell I want. Some days I'll go on a liquid fast but once night time rolls around, it's the same routine again because I get so upset and confused. But anyway, I kind of came up with this idea that might help!
why don't we send letters to each other? It could be letters with how your progress is or like a journal type of entry if you ever feel like confessing stuff to somebody, pictures of inspirations or sending magazines that helped getting you motivated, etc. anything really and if you could make up a fake name if you feel uncomfortable. so what do you say? Getting some mail and support from people would help out a lot!
So if anyone's interested, let me know and we could exchange our address
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[26 Aug 2007|12:26pm] |
So I went back from 118 to 124 =\. I've been so busy lately with college orientations, making arrangements for my apartment and trying to hang out with all my friends before they leave- which involves eating. There were days where I was freaking out, days where all I had were coffee, days where I ate and purged and there were days where I was actually fine with eating. (Of course by the time it was too late to purge, I freaked out and I refuse to abuse laxatives.) It's been hectic but there were wonderful moments.
On friday, my boyfriend did something special for our one year and a half anniversary. I was surprised because he's not the thoughtful or romantic type and I didn't think he'd make a big deal out of a year and a half. He surprised me with a picnic and fishing which I love and I've always tried getting him to go on a picnic with me. He prepared food and everything it was so sweet and beautiful. He made salad and for dessert, yogurt with granola and my favorite kind of peach and apple. It's such a good thing that my boyfriend eats healthy stuff. I was surprised though that he figured I would love the dessert because I never ate that around him but I do love it! It was such a special and lovely day and it's not like I ate like a pig either! (they were small portions) I love him so much.
Anyway, I also got my beautiful Macbook Pro the other day! It is so gorgeous! I'm also really excited about it because I can now stay in my room or upstairs all day and not have to be downstairs where everybody's always eating or being annoying. I can also use my laptop as a journal and not have to worry about my mom looking through my things or reading my journal =]
School's starting soon, I'll be moving to my apartment Tuesday (hopefully!), everything is settling down slowly and it's time I get back on track! No more eating out with friends because well, the majority of them left. I can do this. and for a start, HUGE INSPIRATION!
( lots of pretty pictures )
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| PRIVACY |
[14 Aug 2007|11:16pm] |
I am extremely angry right now and the anger is just building up because I have no way to release it. I can't scream, i can't call anybody to vent about it and I can't punch and break something.
My mom asked me if I had a boyfriend today after i got home from work. Of course I denied it and she asked me if I was sure. Then she went away and told me to not do anything stupid. I do have a boyfriend and I love him so much. He's the only thing I really treasure and if my parents found out, I'd lose him and my social life. I would probably kill myself; no joke.
I KNOW my mom went through my stuff AGAIN while I was at work. for the zillionth time. I KNOW she probably went through my bag and found a polaroid of my BF and me along with a valentines day card from him. OR that she found a piece of paper from my old journal I meant to throw away but forgot to. That piece of paper mentioned the BF. I changed bags today so I didnt bother bringing all those evidences with me.
How stupid of me to think that maybe my mom won't fucking invade my privacy for once. HOW FUCKING STUPID AM I. HOW FUCKING FUCKED UP IS IT THAT MY MOM CONSTANT GOES THROUGH MY STUFF. I'm sick of always worrying about my room and constantly trying to think if I forgot to hide anything from my mom because she might look through them. I'm so tired of hiding and lying and telling her lies of where I'm going or what I'm doing just because I want to hang out with my friends but I can't because she won't let me. I am so sick and tired of this.
And everytime my mom tries to convice me not to move out, I picture myself living here during college and I end up having suicidal thoughts and seriously cry. To live here and to make my parents happy, I would have to be somebody I'm not. And it's not like I need weird things or anything, I just want to be normal and hang out with my friends, go to parties, etc. but I can't because my parents are so fucking strict. My parents are fucking stupid. SO FUCKING STUPID. Being strict and having no good reasonings would lead a child to go behind the parents back and doing fucked up things. I hate how I have to lie to them constantly. I FUCKING HATE IT.
I want to move out. RIGHT NOW. so I could openly have pictures of me and my beau up, to go wherever I want and have freedom and my privacy and to stop lying.
And now my mom's reading her stupid psychic astronomy book or whatever it is to see how my year's going to be or if I'm lying or something. FUCK IT. I HATE EVERYTHING MY PARENTS DO AND EVERYTHING MY PARENTS BELIEVE IN. I can't believe they gave birth to me and I'm so greatful I'm not like them.
I HATE THIS HOUSE
on the bright side, my scale read 118. =] Inspirations tomorrow because my fucking parents are surrounding the computer.
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[14 Aug 2007|12:09am] |
This morning my scale said I was 119. Of course, you always weight less first thing in the morning so I'm probably still 120. Hopefully tomorrow morning my scale would say I'm 118. =]
I worked today and I love it. I don't really do much except photoshop wedding images and make an album out of it. (I work as an intern in this wedding studio thing). Its great because my cousin owns it and asked me about my schedule and whether or not I would want lunch breaks. Lunch breaks would be taken out of my salary so of course I told my cousin I didn't want any. NO LUNCH! I'm so thrilled about it. In my past job with my uncle and aunt, they would constantly try to get me to eat and it was so unbearable.
I work from 11a.m- 6 or 7 pm. I get to be distracted from eating and plus i get money out of it! After work, I'd just walk around the city and get home around 9-10 so I'd be tired or busy doing other things/chores. =] I won't see my boyfriend until Thrusday and I plan on meeting up with my friend (who i haven't seen in 2 months!) later this week so hopefully that's enough time for me to get down to 115.
Also, after work today I went over to my friend's house and her mom said that I looked thinner since the last time she saw me. She kept on saying how my face was thinner. I don't see it though; I think my face still looks fat and bloated. My friend didn't even say anything about my weight loss. None of my close friends whom I've hung out with since coming back from Cali mentioned anything about me losing weight. Only distant acquaintances who probably last saw me when i was a fuckin pig. who knows.
( 115 lbs, I can do it! )
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[12 Aug 2007|12:33pm] |
I weighed myself this morning and I'm 120! Ten more pounds. Should i stop there or not? I guess I'll see how things go. Maybe I'll stop at 105? I'll just have to wait and see! :]
Now from some inspiration:
( a few )
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[05 Aug 2007|02:49am] |
I'm 125 but it's not enough.
I wished it was but it's not. I want to be as thin as paper. I want to be air.
Sometimes I would try to eat and be fine with it. I tried being a normal confident girl but a minute later i would just panic and the guilt just takes over me. Before I know it, I'm crying over the toilet with saliva and throw up all over my hands and looking at what I just ate. Then i would fast for days again...then try to be happy with my weight but I won't be. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied.
I feel so alone and unhappy right now. I wish I felt I was loved, I wish my boyfriend was here with me so I could fall asleep in his arms....
( motivation )
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[22 Jul 2007|10:22pm] |
Too tired and sad to write anything tonight so just the daily motivation
( STOP BEING A FAT FUCK! )
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| Self Control |
[21 Jul 2007|11:55pm] |
Everything has gone horribly wrong since my last post! Ever since my aunt took me out to eat I lost my self control! I couldn't deny my aunt because she wanted to take me out and there was just no way of avoiding it! I tried so hard to control myself but I couldn't get myself to do it and I hate it. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach; it makes me feel so fat and so...stuck. It makes me feel like a heavy rock.
I started to throw up yesterday. I only eat one meal a day so I throw up once a day. I hate throwing up and I hate having no self control. Everytime I throw up tears roll down and it's probably from the pain of throwing up but it's also the fact that I hate the situation I'm in. I'm so pathetic. It's not hard at all, why should I let food control me? I don't need food. All I need is my self control back and water. I wish I could be happy and confident in the body I'm in but I'm not. I just want to control myself and lose all my fat! Is that so hard to do? Is that an impossible dream?
I'm not eating anymore and I hate throwing up. If I eat, I have to throw it up and I hate throwing up so to solve that problem, I just won't eat. It's that simple. IT'S SO SIMPLE. I miss the feeling of eating nothing all week long and just drinking water. My skin was incredibly smooth too. I will have control. I have self control!
And has anyone seen the movie Hairspray? I absolutely LOVE IT! I love the 60's and the guy hairstyles! They are so gorgeous and I couldn't stop thinking about how skinny and beautiful Michelle Pfieffer looked!
( a reminder of what happens when you lose self control )
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[07 Jul 2007|05:30am] |
I've been waking up in the middle of the night/3-4 in the morning lately. I need my sleep but I can't seem to fall back to sleep once I wake up. Instead, I check to see if I lost any of my fat, if I lost any weight.
My scale is complete shit and I can't trust it. So far, it's saying I'm 126 or 127.5 and I need to know which is it!! A pound or even half a pound makes a big difference for me. If my scale is right then I lost about 6lbs in 3-4 days. Even though that's six pounds, I feel like I'm still 133; still fat. Yea sure I lost weight but did I lose fat? I can't believe I'm so close to being 125! I'm reaching my 3rd goal but it's not enough. If I start eating once I'm 125 I know I'm going to gain some back. I'm going to go from 125 to 126, 130, 140..etc and that scares me!
Maybe I will start eating once I get to 120 (by then, I must have lost some fat) but I'm scared. I worked so hard, why stop then? 120 is still fat. My ultimate goal is 110 but who knows if that's even enough?! I can't imagine myself stopping; it feels too good to be empty and consuming only liquids (normally, I drink more than I eat anyway).
( perfection (image heavy) )
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| Day Two! |
[05 Jul 2007|10:45pm] |
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Today was an awesome day! It was strictly all liquids! Lots and lots of water! However, as mentioned from the previous post, I only had about 3 hours of sleep so I allowed myself a can of sugar free redbull (15 cals) and a small cup of iced coffee (?? cals) and a few pieces of sugar free gum (>5 cals) to keep my breath from stinking up. I did get woozy more than I usually do and blacked out a lot. Once today I almost fainted but good thing i didn't and good thing nobody was there to see that happen.
I went to a thrift store today with my little cousin and I got a couple pairs of cute shoes and awesome sunglasses. When I was there, a group of super cute guys came in and when I walked past one of them, he said hi to me! I said hi back but kept on walking. Then I left and stopped by the coffee shop after walking like 10 blocks. When i left the coffee shop, the same group of guys were right outside! One of them asked me if I liked his belly shirt because he got it at the thrift store we were just at. I said sure and I told him how I got the shoes i just changed into from the store. I had to keep on walking though because it was awkward with my little cousin there. When i was walking away they were like, alright...well, see ya later! THEY WERE SO CUTE! I really wanted to be friends with them! It's really boring just hanging out with my little cousins all the time. After meeting the guys it made me miss my boyfriend so much :[ I just want to go back home and lie in bed with him the whole day. He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and thinks that my body is perfect just the way it is! This motivates me even more though! I'm going to go back home tanner and skinny and wow him! But today was just so great. I didn't eat anything so I felt lighter and happier! I felt so comfortable and confident. I felt...clean? I don't know how to describe it but whenever I do eat, I just feel gross and disgusting. Whenever my stomach growls, it feels as if my stomach's being cleaned out; it feels good.
( MOTIVATION! )
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| First Day |
[05 Jul 2007|05:51am] |
Happy Independence day everyone! I started a liquid fast today and it went well! I'm expremely proud of myself because I'm currently staying with some relatives in California for vacation and they're all about EATING and FEEDING ME! For the first week, it was tough to get away with not eating since I'm a guest and they constantly want to shove food in my face. After a while though, they started to not care as much and I could get away with eating in my room or somewhere else where I can be alone.
So my plan is, every morning when everyone's busy or when no one's around, I take a bowl and pour a small amount of milk in it and a few pieces of cereal. Then I take that into my room, smash the cereal pieces up and let it sit there and pretend that I'm eating it. Then when my aunt or whoever is around, I'll come out of my room and put the bowl of cereal I've just eaten in the sink. :] Then as for dinner, I'll try to do the same or if they serve me my food, I'll just take it into my room and wrap some up in napkin and throw the napkin and the leftover in the trash. :]
Here's the intake for today:
b- water, gum (>5 cals)
l- tall iced coffee (black) (10 calories maybe?) and a smoothie (?? cal)
d- water! gum (>5 cals)
I think the smoothies really killed it for me today but I woke up a few hours ago so that gave me only 3 hours of sleep. So hopefully I burned more calories being awake longer and plus, I'm going to try to go jogging after this post! The more I burn the better!
and of course, ( THINSPIRATION )
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